Happy Birthday

Today is Cheyne's birthday.
I feel so grateful.

He is the love of my life.

Random thoughts and Ruminations

So, I feel like I have the coolest church in the world. First of all, I love my sista-friends, but I also like the humanity, transparency, and heartfulness that I always feel. You see, I was an outcast most of my time in the church. Oh, I could shine it on -I joined the drill team-but ultimately I always felt exposed as some sort of fraud: the girl who had gay friends, who dyed her hair purple, who listened to rock. Mind you, I was certainly not the only rebel, I was simply the only one wearing it on the outside, the only one taking them seriously when they said, "any questions?"

Very little of what I did could be considered sin. But the alienation turned my face somewhere else. I remained extremely spiritual, always looking for a path I could fit on. But I missed Jesus. I missed him so much. I felt, because of the way the folks at church treated me, that He didn't want me. And that did lead to sinful choices, and feeling cynical and lost for so long.

All of this is to say, that my belief is that a church that would ask folks to cover up tattoos, to take out piercings, to BE SOMEONE ELSE, someone more mainstream, more "like them", is missing the point, and losing folks like me who have such a heart for God, such a desire to be authentic that we don't know how to shake it,
even though we have tried to be more pretentious.
Pretense is not piety!
I have a Savior who knows me, likes me, and wants me.
Not someone else's version of who I am.
And I am thankful!

Facing the Pain

So, like years ago I was diagnosed with the lovely fibromyalgia, and I've been able to use my usual weapon against illness-denial. So today I woke up so miserable with muscle pain that I had to face the truth. Time to develop a plan of attack. Cheyne took me to get a one hour massage, and that helped alot-although just being in a room so still and quiet and zen made me almost pass out and miss the whole experience! But the symptoms are tension headaches as well as migraines, extreme fatigue and muscle pain, mental confusion, and depression. My mama has it, too, and has her own little pharmocopia going, but I think I am going to have to pursue the alternatives, at least first.

Here is the serious downer-I have to give up caffeine.

RIP mocha everything. You have been my energy source for many years.

Oh well-Arsaga's has neat little teapots of herbal tea.

Thank you to my friends who posted-I just LOVE y'all!

Ness, feel free to introduce me.

OH! The one upside is that massage is one of the number one things that they say helps! Maybe some of my gal pals can come along and get one with me for moral support!

Well, I had a lovely coffee night with my amazing and diverse circle of women friends last night. Sometime I feel so new to the whole Christian thing, and coupled with the knowledge of how wacky and abstract I am, I get afraid that I am going to " mess up" and sy the wrong thing. The silliest part of all this is that these are the coolest, finest ladies this side of the whole Christian thang! Still, i feel like I am young Grasshopper. Which leads to nervous energy, and me speaking in metaphors and too loud and too much. This fear is rooted in my weird (too much so to get in to) childhood. It is sufficient to say that the two women I was closest to growing up never really got me, felt threatened by me, and I ditto for them, for years. So it feels like I am in a dangerous sea, and my boat could capsize at any moment. Lucky for me, these sweet ladies are the perfect companions for this thrilling new adventure-amazing friends.

It all comes down to self esteem and faith.

Anyone who doesen't quite get my metaphors, I refer you to Hannah.